One Way To Improve The NFL

I should probably begin todays rant by saying that I have lost what little football knowledge that I have. I do not know how, why, or exactly when this knowledge left me, but it is gone.

Want proof? Look at my fantasy football teams. Or my college picks this year. I sadly admit to teling my friends that Ryan Leaf is the real deal and that Peyton Manning will not be all that good becasue of his "happy feet". More recently, I told a guy that Minnesota would never make the playoffs this year. I drafted L.T. 8th overall in not one, but two leagues. I picked the Rams to win 4 games and most recently picked the Bolts to beat the Redbirds in the Superbowl.

So remember as you read this, that I have lost any sense of reason when it comes to football. Don't fall out when you read the next line...

...kickers suck!

Not personally mind you, but as an athlete (yes, I giggled as I typed kicker and athlete so closely together) I formerly held the opinion that a kicker was like a policeman or a teacher, or a politician; and that is that a good one will never be paid what he is worth and that most of them are paid entirely too much; and in the sitaution of a kicker, that is too much money against a salary cap that could be used for signing a real player. Not to mention a wasted roster spot.

So I am taking it upon myself to begin an official lobby to rid football, not futbol whatever that is, but the NFL of the entire postion of the kicker. My desire is that I have seen, for the last time, some guy come into a hard fought game wearing two different shoes and as many pairs of socks, and choke; ending the game in a loss for his teammates. Not too mention ridding myself of the nuisance of drafting a kicker with my last fantasy draft pick.

Now I know what all of you pro-kicker, tee-hugging, bleeding hearts are thinking. But I no longer care to be politically correct on this issue. I have seen too many people play too hard only to let some twinkle-toes prima donna come in and blow the game.

I realize that many of you have drank the Kool-Aid and believe that the kicker is a high stress job, but I think that is swill. The kicker is only involved in 3 or 4 plays in an entire 3 hour game. And for the 25 seconds that he plays, no one can even touch him! There is a roughing penalty to protect him, even a "running into" penalty, for the love of Pete! You can't even get grazed, man! One guy snaps the ball, another catches it and holds it, and unless you are Charlie brown, all you then have to do is kick the ball through some upright poles. They are bright yellow, you can't miss them. And no one can touch you! Not hit you or hurt you, but not even graze you! I said that already, didn't I?

...and to help along with the charade of the kicker being an athlete and position, or even a real teammate, you have to mark off steps and do a little curtsy, turn and face east, and do some superstitious act before kicking the stinking ball; like we can be fooled into thinking all of that is necessary. By all of the fancy footwork and such, you try to fool us into thinking that all of that is required for your mechanics.

Mechanics? You the kicker can't even wear the same shoes! You wear one for traction and one for "touch" on the ball, which sounds illegal in most states to me. You don't even need to wear a cup, nor a real helmet, as they may interfere with all of your "mechanics".

Then getting past all of this, you don't even punt! Heck! Some of the kickers don't even do "kick-offs" which by description and title, is part of your over paid job. So kicking isn't even kicking to a you.

I realize that I am getting personal in my attack, and have begun to use nouns such as "you" and "them". Next I will revert to the ever ignorant, arrogant,and racist, "those people" when referencing kickers. I apologize, but I am passionate on my stance of ridding the NFL of kickers; and that kickers are a great evil.

I guess these feelings come from watching two teams fight out a physical, gut-wrentching game; only to have some twinkle-toed creampuff come in with part of a helmut and fancy little shoes, and screw up the only play he is involved in. I mean, you never even see a kicker on the sidelines cheering or pumping fists, or anything. The kicker is too busy play kicking a ball into a little net; trying to stay warm becasue he hasn't done anything in like a week! And while the lineman with a broken arm, the QB with cracked ribs and the rest of the guys with their concussions, contusions, gashes, stitches, and taped up bodies have to hang their heads in disbelief, you flitter-fart off the field and say,"my bad" as you go back to your spot on the end of the bench; where you left your jacket and leggings...

...maybe this is a sensitve subject to other football fans as well. Maybe this whole "kicking thing" has some underlying psychological undertones for many of us. Maybe the displaced aggression is justified. Maybe it really is easier to be a critic than a performer. Maybe there is little place for a Monday morning, arm-chair kicker. Maybe in this econmy we are concerned about those who are overpaid and under efficient. maybe the kicker subconsciously represents someone we all know in our own office or factory or wherever we work. That is something that only you and your shrink may know.

But know this! Football would be better served having someone, a real player who has been in the battle of the game, throw the ball through the uprtights than have a kicker come in and louse everything up. The game would be much better served if kickers would be done away with. And when it happens, remember you heard that here first...and that I bet my football credentials on it happening...