Ads I Would Like To See

Often, I see advertisements and t.v. shows that I feel should come with some type of disclaimer; something honest and direct. And in this spirit, I submit some commercials, advertisements, disclaimers, and previews that I would really like to see:

Commercial Number One:
A sole lawyer gives his spiel about mesothelioma and how he would like to represent so many victims of this malady. He is standing in front of some diplomas hanging on the wall, and the standard bookcase that generally accompanies these ads. However his dialogue is much different than what we have come to expect; " Hi, I represent the Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe Law firm and I would like to represent you in a case against your former employer. Regardless of the fact that you may have made $50 an hour with incredible benefits, as well as knew the health risks before you took the job, we at the D.C.and H. firm feel that a good fleecing is always in order. I am trying to pretend that I sincerely care about you and your family, as well as have some concern as to helping stop unhealthy work environments; but in all reality, I really only want to make a few bucks. Most of the good lawyers, with ethics, probably wouldn't take this case, but I am below those standards and am tired of chasing ambulances 5 days a week. Not to mention that I feel that I am entitled to make as much money as I can; even at your expense.
And speaking of expense, I will give you a free consultation as you and many others sign up for a class action suit that will make many of you hundreds if not thousands of dollars, while making me millions. Isn't your life worth $1000? Think of all of the things that your children could do with the $250 you leave in their college fund.
We at Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe really want to represent you in order to make some money off of your misery, and we promise to pretend to care most of the entire proceedings. If you make us money, that is. And oh yeah, we are not allowed to practice in 36 of the 48 continental States, but call anyway as we make $1.25 per call...

Here's one for a drug company:
The commercial begins with soft music and children playing on a school yard. Then the camera pans to a young woman and young man walking hand in hand down along a beach, in front of a beautiful sunset. As the music plays softly, a voice begins to inform you of a new medicine that is alleged to cure many disorders: We at PillCom realize that the scenery and music used in this commercial have nothing to do with cancer or depression, but we are trying our best to manipulate you into an emotion. And as we manipulate your emotion we want you to think of things better than the things in your lousy life, not in hopes of comforting you, but in hopes that you realize how crummy your life really is and that you need yet another pill to help you function.
Never mind that the side affects are worse than your illness or that our pill may even kill you. This only matters if we are all truly concerned for each other. And here at PillCom, we are really only concerned with profit.
We also want to take this chance to inform you of disease and disorder, not for education, but so that you can run to your doctor and tell them how sick you are. Not to mention that you will be as smart as your doctor if you tell you know of a new medicine and that our commercial manipulated you into feeling as though you now need this medicine to help deal with reality.
We usually throw in the "this may not be right for you" bit about now, but, again, who really cares? You get your pill and we get some $200 a bottle.
Then the camera focuses in on a dove flying serenely into the sunset.

How about a disclaimer for a reality show:
Tune in to channel 7 at 7 on Thursday nights for "The Rack of Love", "Rack" hinting at the implants of the female contestants and "Love" manipulating you into thinking that you could find such on a t.v. show. We would like to issue a disclaimer that we are, in reality, producing a cheap program with minimal cost, while exploiting those who are indeed heartbroken or just too simple to know that they are being manipulated. You really should be embarrassed and ashamed to watch this program, but if you do watch, be certain to take your penicillin beforehand...and remember that boobs and birdbrains really sell to the majority of the people who feel the need to pretend that their lives are more superior to others. And as long as there is insecurity, there will be a balding, wig-wearing, over 50 has-been, pseudo rock star who needs you for his ego...

How about a disclaimer on a bottle of diet pills saying that you burned more calories reading this bottle than you will taking this entire bottle and that the only real way to lose weight is diet and exercise. That is why this herbal/grass placebo only works if you take it while dieting and exercising.

A disclaimer on a political ad:
I'm a Republican and I know the problems, but have few answers. But I will continue to point fingers as long as you vote me in office. I will even pretend to be outraged. I'm part of the old elite, and really couldn't find a real job anywhere else anyway, so continue to vote for me as I show you the problems...

or

I'm a Democrat and it's my turn to shine. I like to talk about bi-partisan things but I just don't really like Republicans; and the common man is too dumb to know how to help himself, so I must do it for him. I only have two years left in my political career, so I must act fast and have little time for concern for anyone other than myself, so watch as I cram legislation down your throat...

How about an ad for cold medicine:
A man in a cheap doctors costume, complete with stethoscope, is seen shilling a night-time liquid medicine. " Hello, I'm a doctor. See my stethoscope? And I'm here to sell, I mean tell, you about ColdAway liquid. If you take this elixir for 4 or 5 days, I guarantee that your cold will be gone. Never mind the fact that it would have been gone in 4 or 5 days regardless of medication. ColdAway is 190 proof, so you will be so bombed that you can deal with your cold for a little less than a week. So for those weak in constitution but great in symptoms, take ColdAway.

And I guess you all get the point that I am trying to make here.And i must admit that I have always found commercials to be very interesting as well as very powerful. I do wish that I could see some commercials like the ones that I just created; and wonder if it would help sales...

Have a great Monday as I hope your week gets started on a high note!